Christ is my Strength

As most of you know, or know now, I started school at Boyce College this past August. And one thing people have asked me is what I've learned through my experience. And, oddly, it's something that I have to think about. It's not an answer that is readily at the tip of my tongue. But truly, this experience has taught me so much. This was the first time I've ever moved away from home, and even though it's only two and a half hours away, I'm completely apart from the only life I've ever known. And that is HARD. There were (and still are) many nights where I just want to sit in my kitchen at home and talk to my mom about anything and everything and have her tell me exactly what to do, whether or not I actually follow her advice. Sometimes I just want to drive along familiar roads at night, listening to music and singing as loudly and obnoxiously as I want. Sometimes I just want to go out with the friends I'm so close with and laugh about memories and stupid things we've done together. Sometimes I just want to go to the church I grew up in, where I know everyone, and everyone is literally like family. It's nostalgic typing this, even as I'm home on break, sitting in the local coffee shop, making plans with old friends, and preparing to go to my home church for Bible study.

But, what I've realized is that this is a new chapter in my life. The old chapter isn't gone, just past. The new chapter might be scary at times, but it's an adventure. And there are new characters in this chapter that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. They challenge me, and they encourage me, and I know they'll be there for me when I'm struggling. And I already have memories with these people, and I know that more memories will be made.

So, the main thing that I've learned in this new chapter, is to welcome new adventures, and not cling so tightly to the past where I'm comfortable. God led me to this school, and He brought these new people in my life, and He's leading me to a church that will encourage me just as much as my last (though Two Rivers can never be replaced), and I have learned to trust Him. I like to be in control, and that's become increasingly evident in the past few years of my life, and even more evident now. But I am not the qualified pilot. Christ is, and He will ensure that I land where I'm supposed to. And, really, He is the only One who knows that destination. That kind of surrendering trust is hard, but I know for a fact I can't trust in my own strength or wisdom.

The Lord has blessed me tremendously, and I can't wait to see where He leads me in the coming years.

My Hope

Today was my first day being back in America. I seriously underestimated how hard it would be. It gets harder and harder every time. We practiced the music for Sunday, and I honestly started crying halfway through. I usually can keep myself composed during music, even during a moving song, but today I was just so exhausted and as we were singing about how our heavenly Father loves us, the tears started pouring out. I left right away so I could get home and just let myself cry. (I know that sounds pitiful, but it felt good. And I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. Promise.)

I sit here trying to figure out why all this emotion hit me all of a sudden... The first reason was pretty simple: I hadn't actually cried about leaving Kinmen. That usually takes a few weeks to get over, so it was just a matter of time. Second, I have been struggling with feeling like my life matters. When I was in Kinmen working with the kids at the camps all day, and being with like-minded people it was easy to feel useful and wanted, and like I was doing the Lord's work! So it hit me while I was singing that He loves us no matter where we are. If I'm in Kinmen teaching English camps, or if I'm at Target, or if I'm sitting at home in my bed (my current position), He loves me just the same, and I'm still in His Kingdom!

My favorite verse, one that I always come back to, is Psalm 42:11. "Why are you cast down, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."

That verse gives the answer to depression and sadness, regret or hopelessness: hope in GOD. Praise GOD. I have to constantly remind myself not to focus on ME. On what I would rather be doing or where I would rather be. I'm where I am for a reason, and I may not know that reason right now, but God does, and He knows better than me what is best for me! So my hope should be placed in Him because He knows what He's doing and He loves me. There is hope in hopelessness.

My Pretend Paradise

Several weeks ago, I had the urge to write before I went to bed. It's like therapy, and writing in song form helps me get my thoughts straightened out. To be honest, I'm in a good place in my life at the moment. I have a great job, and even better friends.... I'm enjoying my life and the people around me, maybe too much. But that is the muse behind this song... Using the idea that when things are easy is when it's hardest to draw near to God, because, for me, I feel like I don't need Him. So, I hope you enjoy my hastily written lyrics and try to ignore the non-rhyming stanzas.

There were days when nothing worked,

When nothing went my way.

It was then that I found You,

In the midst of the rain

You showed me the way back

And never let me go.

It was easy to hold on 

When letting go meant falling.

And now we've come to the hard part;

The part where everything's fine.

When I'm not holding on

And nothing's going wrong.

It's then I need You most,

It's then I'm in danger to fall.

So find me here,

In my pretend paradise.

Where everything I do is right.

I need You most when I don't want you;

When I think I know best.

So don't let me go.

Please don't let me go.

So that is what I wrote, and maybe I'm alone in this, but it seems like when things are really rough, when I have no other option, that's when I find God, and really want to be with Him. It's when things are easy and I have friends and things just seem to go my way that I really desperately need Him. He never lets go of me, but I let go of Him, and I think that His hand holding me up is somehow something that I am doing. But it's not. It never is me. 

James 4:4 says "Whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God." That's a sobering thought, but that's basically what I'm doing when I say that my way is better, and I would rather be in control than let God, who is the experienced pilot, guide my life. A few verses later, James tells us "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you... Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you." (8, 10) God wants us to want Him. That is what we're created to do! But we must let go of the notion that we're in control, and let God draw us near to Him.

God will use ANYONE!

The other day, I was reading Matthew 1, which is the geneology of Joseph, the husband of Christ's mother, Mary. I've never really enjoyed reading geneologies, and I typically skim over the hundreds of names to get to the "real stuff". But this time, for whatever reason, I read the passage carefully, taking time to read each name. And now, believe it or not, it's one of my favorite passages! Now what, you may ask, is so interesting about a list of names? It's the NAMES. The people. The circumstances that these individuals endured, and the lives they lived. Three names in particular stood out to me: Tamar, Rahab, and "the wife of Uriah" (Bathsheba).

All three of these women had immoral interactions with men; Tamar and Rahab were actual prostitutes, and Bathsheba was disloyal to her husband. What's amazing to me is that God used these women, who were viewed as shameful and disgraceful, as links in the line of Christ! He can use the broken, the unwanted, the SINNERS. He can and He DOES. God will use anyone!

This was just so encouraging and awesome, and I wanted to share my thoughts with my readers, as I haven't posted in a while!

Count it All Joy!

"Count it all joy, brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,

For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete,

Lacking in nothing."

James 1:2-4

This week, God has answered one of my most ardent requests. I got a job! I am now a cashier at Target! And I am super excited! I've been looking for a job for 6 months. And it was a very long time to wait. There were times that I just felt so discouraged and useless and very rejected. I can't even count how many applications I filled out, and I was pretty down on myself. Looking back on those months and months of rejection, I can see what God was trying to teach me.

1. Patience. I am just not a very patient person. I can be patient with other people, but very rarely with myself. I want things to go smoothly for me, so I can get right down to it, without much pain or frustration. Unfortunately, that just doesn't happen in real life. So learning to "go with the flow", and taking my trials and frustrations to God are CRUCIAL. He promises that He will work all things together for good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). He doesn't promise that the good will come without hardship, but that it will come. Maybe not even until our eternal reward in heaven, but we can be assured that He will keep His promises. 
2. Trust. As I've said before, I have trust issues. I like to be in control, and that doesn't leave much room for letting Someone else control my life. But I was forced to do that in these past months. I had virtually no control over the decisions that were made. All I could do was show up and be myself, and pray that my personality fit their criteria. There were so many times before an interview that my hands were shaking so hard, and I couldn't control it, and God calmed me enough to get through the interview. (Oddly enough, I was completely calm for the Target interview...) I had to give it all to Him, and, in the end, it worked. It made me realize that nothing I did on my own could ever measure up. Only through Christ working through me am I ever able to do anything! Philippians 2:13 says "for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." 
3. Priorities. I was listening to a sermon by John Pope, pastor of Refuge City Church (check them out on Facebook or their website if you haven't already... Amazing group of people!), and he made a point saying that when you value anything over Christ, it will inevitably lead to disappointment. Because nothing but Christ can truly satisfy and fulfill your expectations. Drugs, sex, alcohol, shopping, and even an unhealthy desire for a job will eventually lead to disappointment and depression. Not saying that getting a job is bad, it's not! But looking at it through the world's perspective, without an eternal, God-soaked perspective will only lead to depression. But Christ can never disappoint. 
4. Perseverance. This was a key lesson Christ taught me through this trial. There were so many times that I wanted to give up and just stop looking and stop filling out applications, because it never seemed to get anywhere. But God gave me the strength to keep going, and keep struggling. And it resulted in an eventual job! 

It was a hard chapter in my life, but all chapters come to an end, and there is always a "happily ever after" for Christians. If there were no struggles, the story wouldn't be as interesting, you wouldn't learn, and Christ would not be glorified. So be encouraged, if you're going through a difficult chapter. There's a light at the end of the tunnel! Christ has not forsaken you, and He promises that He never will! This trial will come to an end, as all trials do, and you will be able to look back and appreciate what God has accomplished.

To Live with All my Might

"Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live." That is a quote from Jonathan Edwards, a man who lived over 300 years ago, who died relatively early in life, at age 54. But, though he died young, he led an incredible life. He made a list of resolutions in his early twenties (very inspirational ones, by the way. It's very worth reading them all.), and he followed them to the best of his abilities.

I wonder sometimes, though, what does it mean to "live with all my might"? How can you possibly live without might?? Well, these are just my humble thoughts on the matter, and I hope that they serve as encouragement to anyone out there who has the same struggle I have!

• Live like Christ is returning today! 

     I recently finished reading Crazy Love, by Francis Chan, and he told a story about his grandmother-in-law. He went to a play with some relatives, including Grandma Clara. He asked her how she liked it, and she replied "I just don't know if this is where I want to be when Christ returns. I'd rather be helping someone or on my knees praying. I don't want Him to return and find me sitting in a theater." That just really stuck with me, and i find myself asking the question "Is this what I want to be doing when Jesus comes back?" Not that watching tv shows or going to plays are sinful things, in small amounts, but they can sometimes get in the way of God's desire and His commands for my life. And it isn't as if He isn't with me every second of every day, that He won't see me watching Doctor Who, instead of doing my daily devotional, but for some reason (and I don't know if this is the wrong mindset or not) it is more intimidating to think of Him actually physically IN the room with me. And I want to be following His plan for my life, when that happens! I want to be making a difference in some small way! First Thessalonians 5:6 tells us to "keep awake and be sober" for the Second Coming. Be aware that it can come "like a thief in the night" (1 Thess. 5:2). Be prepared.

• Don't wallow in regret for things that have already happened.

     We all make mistakes. But Christ DIED for those mistakes! Regretting that they happened isn't going to reverse the effect or the fact that it happened, instead, it almost says to God "Your Gift wasn't good enough!" And I have problems with this, so I'm not being all judgmental or anything, but just presenting another perspective. I don't really have any biblical back-up for this opinion, just putting together that God sent His Son for a reason, and that reason is our sins. "As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:12)

• Trust the Lord with every aspect of your life.

     This, for me, is the most challenging. I like to be in control, and know what's happening, what will happen, and why something happened the way it did. So that doesn't leave a whole lot of room for trust. In fact, this is something you can pray for me about, that i WILL have trust in God's will for my life, and that I won't doubt His intentions. Knowing that God has my life planned in the perfect way takes a lot of worry off my shoulders, and allows for a freer life. That well-known verse from Proverbs comes to mind: "Trust in the Lord will all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." (3:5-6). In ALL your ways. That means that there is no aspect of your life that should worry you. You don't need to worry about who you'll marry. You don't have to worry about if you'll get a job. You don't need to worry about getting the money you need to pay off your debts. Et'cetera. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't DO things about your issues; you are to use the means that God has given you. It just means that once you have done all you can do, God will take care of the rest. Pray and have faith, and all these things shall be added unto you.

• Do something for someone! 

     If you see someone in need, help them! I struggle with this one as well (I struggle with all of them, but i just point out the ones I have the most trouble with.). I see a man with a cardboard sign on a street corner, and I think that I should help them. But i make excuses, like "Well, I would, but I'm late for class" or "They might kidnap me" (use discretion with who you help. If they just look like they're up to no good, probably best that a young girl doesn't help by herself.). I am going to try to be more conscious of the needs of others, and do what I can to help them. (Not just the homeless guy on the corner. That was just one example.) Jesus said "as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."

These are really only a few examples of things to do to live a meaningful life. I'm having trouble remembering all of the ones I came up with right now haha. But the crux of the matter is to do what God commands! Trust Him, serve Him, obey Him, and pray to Him. He will do the rest. I want to be the person that displays God's glory for all to see. I want people to see a difference in me, and I want them to look to Christ because of that. I want to be a candle in the blackest night; illuminating the darkness with the Hope of Christ. (I know this sounds selfish, but I hope you understand my meaning.)

I'm also reading Don't Waste Your Life, by John Piper, and I want to leave you with two quotes from that book.

"We waste our lives when we do not pray and think

and dream and plan and work toward magnifying God in ALL spheres of life."

"The wasted life is the life without a passion for the supremacy of God

in all things for the joy of all peoples."

   

Prepare yourself for a chaotic blog post...

Since it's been about 13 years since I posted, I thought I'd present you all with a little update on my life right now. Because you're all DYING to know what I'm doing. Yeah. So here are my interesting (more or less) thoughts.

I have decided to go into Early Childhood Education as a major. Beware, this is subject to change. Again. I think I've changed my mind about majors about 6 times in the past 9 months. So we'll see how long this one lasts. But I am feeling relatively excited about this decision, though there are still doubts in my mind. I've started an ECE (that's code for "Early Childhood Education" for those of us Ed junkies. Just kidding. That's just the course name.) class as the local college here in DYT (that is slang for Dayton. For those of us Daytonians. Truly.), and I actually really enjoy it! So hopefully that is......... foreboding? Not foreboding. I can't think of the right word. GAH.It's like a GOOD foreboding! Oh well. Good thing I'm looking into teaching Kindergarteners, so I don't have to be smart teach hard words. At least I have wit. That's way more important than having brains. Sometimes, I think I'm actually blonde... Anyway, the important thing is that I have decided my major. I think.

I am also looking for a job, and have been for about 5 months (thanks, Obama, for the great economy and for creating so many jobs!). Why does college have to be so expensive? Anyway, please just pray that I can find a job!

I'll post later with a more inspirational post... Also, as a side note, I composed this in about 5 minutes, so excuse any spelling errors or senseless ramblings. A more serious post is coming! Can't say how soon.... Probably about 7 months. So don't set your hearts on the fact that I will post, like, tomorrow. Because I can almost promise you I won't. Thank you, to you devoted readers that read this dysfunctional essay through to the end. You're the best. Also, if you've ever wondered what my brain looks like, this is about it. So, you're curiosity has been assuaged. You're welcome.