Today was my first day being back in America. I seriously underestimated how hard it would be. It gets harder and harder every time. We practiced the music for Sunday, and I honestly started crying halfway through. I usually can keep myself composed during music, even during a moving song, but today I was just so exhausted and as we were singing about how our heavenly Father loves us, the tears started pouring out. I left right away so I could get home and just let myself cry. (I know that sounds pitiful, but it felt good. And I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. Promise.)
I sit here trying to figure out why all this emotion hit me all of a sudden... The first reason was pretty simple: I hadn't actually cried about leaving Kinmen. That usually takes a few weeks to get over, so it was just a matter of time. Second, I have been struggling with feeling like my life matters. When I was in Kinmen working with the kids at the camps all day, and being with like-minded people it was easy to feel useful and wanted, and like I was doing the Lord's work! So it hit me while I was singing that He loves us no matter where we are. If I'm in Kinmen teaching English camps, or if I'm at Target, or if I'm sitting at home in my bed (my current position), He loves me just the same, and I'm still in His Kingdom!
My favorite verse, one that I always come back to, is Psalm 42:11. "Why are you cast down, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
That verse gives the answer to depression and sadness, regret or hopelessness: hope in GOD. Praise GOD. I have to constantly remind myself not to focus on ME. On what I would rather be doing or where I would rather be. I'm where I am for a reason, and I may not know that reason right now, but God does, and He knows better than me what is best for me! So my hope should be placed in Him because He knows what He's doing and He loves me. There is hope in hopelessness.
